I have served small, mid-sized and large churches as a
youth, assistant, solo and lead pastor. For the most part, I’ve loved those
congregations with all of my heart and soul. They were, to be honest, easy to
love. But, I have made numerous mistakes in each ministry role and context. I didn’t
realize that most of those mistakes were actually mistakes until many years
later, when I had the space for reflection. Here, now, is my untimely
confession and apology.
To all the congregations I’ve served:
I’m sorry for using the task of preaching as a tool for
revenge. I’m sorry for those times when I saw myself only as a prophet
representing a holy God to sinful humanity instead also as a priest
representing sinful humanity to a holy God. I’m sorry for those times when I succumbed
to preaching what I did not believe or practice. I’m sorry for preaching life-application
in place of Kingdom values. I’m sorry for those times when I gave you good
advice without giving you God. I’m sorry for my inability to string together words
to capture the beauty, mystery and majesty of “Christ in us, the hope of glory.”
I’m sorry for those times when I preached to entertain more than I did to transform.
I’m sorry for underestimating the power of my presence to
make real the presence of Christ in your crisis. I’m sorry for those times when
I wasn’t fully present with you in your pain, when I looked like I was
listening empathetically but was really searching desperately for an escape so I
could get to my next task. I’m sorry for offering small talk even when I sensed
that meaningful, challenging conversation was what you needed most. I’m sorry for
giving you therapy instead of theology.
I’m sorry for leading meetings that deteriorated into small-minded
minutia instead of allowing space to dream God-sized dreams together. I’m sorry
for allowing charts and graphs to blind me to the presence and power of God in
our midst. I’m sorry for those times when I pushed you too hard to become what
God never called you to be. I’m sorry for those times when I didn’t push you
hard enough to become what God created you to be. I’m sorry for those times
when I did not pursue the vision God gave us with passionate purpose. I’m sorry
for those times when I was more consumed with what you thought of me than how I
could join with God to love you. I’m sorry
for allowing my quest for an ego stroke to trump my desire to glorify God.
I’m sorry for those times when I critiqued you instead of
praying for you. I’m sorry for fantasizing about pastoring other churches when I
was married in ministry to you. I’m sorry for complaining about you to my
pastoral friends when there was so much about you to commend. I’m sorry for any
cynicism that diminished my hope in what God could make of you. I’m sorry for
those times when I used you as a pawn in my ploy for power and popularity.
For these and all of my pastoral sins, I am sincerely sorry.
